I doubt anyone is really reading this but you know that kind of makes me feel better to type this out.
For one thing I don’t know what I want, I dream for something large but don’t have the balls to go for it. I could leave Houston if I wanted to, I could ask for the money and go to where ever I wanted and maybe see if I could make it in the word, however I know for a fact I can not and that’s what gets me. After 26 years I still haven’t learned to be responsible for me. I let others take care of me and most of the time let others walk all over me, which is where I fine myself today wondering where it all began, although it doesn’t help me to think of how it happened and when it started but that is what I fine myself doing these past few months.
You see i’ve lost quite a few friends of late and almost lost my job to boot, because of my immaturity and my insecurities. It doesn’t help that I was talking alot about what was bothering me to all the wrong people and letting them see me in a weaken state. Needless to say I am tired of showing that person and I want to start standing up on my two feet, except I don’t know how to do that, as well as not knowing where to go in the future. The thoughts going through my head is being an actor or a director, maybe even a producer but my confidence is shot and that’s my fault i’m afraid. I know now that I could have brought myself back up but didn’t, I could have said fuck you to those people who put me down but I didn’t, I could have enjoyed myself around good company and people who just generally wanted to have a good time but I didn’t.
Its a could have would have should have kind of though but it doesn’t matter anymore because the world is moving on without me. I’m not saying I need to rush but I do need to move on. At the moment i’m left here not knowing how to fix things with myself and others but instead maybe I should just work on school and getting there. Hell maybe I’ll take the acting class and figure out if I do want to do it, the worst thing that can happen is I fine out I don’t like acting. Although I know it isn’t failing is what i’m afraid of, no I am afraid of succeeding in what I want. I mean what am i supposed to do after I get it you know, how can I be angry anymore or how can I be satisfied with normal and happy. Depression is an addiction that I have and I want to break it but I cant do it cold turkey. Yes I know its easy just pretend to be happy and you will be or work hard and you’ll fine yourself more of a mature person than you thought. Well maybe your right but I have to do it my way and use my voice.
I want to be a writer as well as an actor, director or producer but my confidence in my talent is lacking. I could have worked on it while volunteering at the theater in school but well that tanked, I managed to not only quit but show everyone that I am upset with them. Why was I upset? Why did I have this paranoid feeling that everyone hated me? These are all the questions I had to ask myself because I really had no reason to feel the way I did. All I had to do was stop talking… That’s it in a nutshell if I had stopped talking so much than feeling awkward would have passed by because my awkward saying wouldn’t have left my lips and people would generally talk to me about interesting things.. Except I didn’t do that I made myself seem depressing and paranoid. Anyway I cant keep kicking myself I have to move on and fine away to get where I want with out feeling like such a loser. I suppose i’ll figure it out one day soon, I just need to love myself first before I can really get out there.
